Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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