we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
