If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
