we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Text me some of your sweat
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
