I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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