True but thats because hes a fetus.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
