how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
