Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
