Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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