I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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