Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
