Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
