I think my vagina is haunted
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
