why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
