mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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