Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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