He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
