someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
