I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
