I'm lost and stupid without you.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I need to sanitize my soul.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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