It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
