Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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