He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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