yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i've created a new STD.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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