He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize