I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
