Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
