I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
