why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just high enough for therapy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
