no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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