Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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