Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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