ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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