nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
