Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
