That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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