I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
