It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
