Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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