If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
