I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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