I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
