I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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