dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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