Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
