I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
this hospital has no fireball
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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