Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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