the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
