Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
