Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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