"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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