Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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