dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
