I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
